nsfw/adult writing - 2025 (ongoing)

JAN 19 2026 -

something i would like to work on in both the vanilla and kinky aspects of my life is my fawn response in conversation. often i find myself giving a nonresponse: a laugh or giggle, maybe one to a few words. no substance beyond keeping up my end of the bargain. in the bedroom this looks like being unresponsive to dirty talk because i am typically too flustered to respond. what it boils down to regardless of scenario is, “am i going to say the right thing?” and also not knowing how to share about myself after bad relationships and friendships. being flustered at times is fine, that is certainly part of the top’s fun. being nervous in conversation is fine, your good friend certainly does not mind that you are letting them infodump. what is less fine is the somewhat demand being continually placed on them to carry and continue the conversation. at a certain point the other person will run out of things to say to you, or feel like you are not truly interested in them. conversation is a back and forth — being a good listener is appreciated but so is being a good communicator.

JAN 3 2025 -

i now understand what people mean when they say a lot of humans are open to nonhuman identity when you say just point blank “i am [species].” aside from a past partner who was a therian, i hadn’t disclosed my animal nature to anyone. turns out it is pretty easy to get people to acknowledge you as your species when you are nonchalant about it. i wonder how many more “humans” are only human because they don’t know or don’t want to know about our labels!

here’s how i have rather quickly eased someone into treating me in a species specific manner:

• part of my species expression includes S/M and petplay. this is something i communicated upfront (to be a good bottom and explain my interests firstly, but also as a litmus test. “how animal can i get before it’s weird to you?”)
• i explain my behavior through metaphor. for example, i was anxious on new years because of the fireworks. so i said i was having a “dog in a thunderstorm” moment. i react to noises outside, involuntarily, and prior jokes led to this being referred to as my protective mentality.
• i continuously made mention of my species and this lead to “are you a furry?” i am, so i said yes. but even if i wasn’t, i think using this verbiage can be more approachable for humans and communicates that animality is a key facet of my identity. we can get into the nitty gritty terminology later, right now i just need to know you see me as nonhuman.

DEC 30 2025 -

petplay used to be so intriguing but the typical performance of petplay is in relation to being a human, humiliated by being made to act like an animal (to be abundantly clear there is nothing wrong with enjoying this). the typical actions within petplay seem to limit me. i don’t want to fetch your slippers in my mouth or drink out of a bowl to please you. i don’t like collars or leashes — and most people don’t understand their use in a bioanimal context, or the symbolism that i apply to them. i don’t get embarrassed acting like an animal when i am one. nor do i get off on humiliation anyway. you can’t train or tame me. im a pet in the way people bring servals or bobcats into their home. i will tear your shit up and i command respect.

DEC 18 2025 -

recently got the new topping & bottoming books by easton & hardy. im still awaiting the topping book, but i have been passively reading the bottoming book. my main takeaway is that i should have read this a long time ago.

i don’t think everyone needs to be hyper intellectual about kink but i do think a lot of people would benefit from genuine education. educational websites are also fine, that is where i have gotten most of my education thus far, but there is something about the more expansive knowledge contained within an actual book, even if it was in pdf format, that is just missing from a lot of people’s worldview now. it’s not their fault, sex ed is not taught well or at all in most schools nor how to have healthy boundaries and relationships. on the topic of educational websites, they are few and far between. the internet is hard to scavenge for information now, hence the value i place on hard copies.

“it’s just sex!” i agree! sex can certainly be casual with the caveat that it is still important to advocate for your wants and boundaries, for yourself and for your partner(s). the education will help you to do that.