nsfw/adult writing - 2025 (ongoing)

FEB 07 2026 -

im just gonna take the bdsm and kink tags off my grindr profile at this point. or just delete my profile. people seem to think just because i enjoy bdsm that i will immediately accept their underbaked domination. no!!! you must be this well read to ride!!! what is your motivation in wanting to spank me for example? come to me with intention and interest in me beyond what service you imagine i would perform.

to them bdsm is a casual act. there’s no meaning, just senselessness. i hate casual “doms” and “subs.” those words do not describe you. i believe you are looking for “top that likes to spank people” and “bottom that likes rough sex” perhaps. a dynamic is a relationship. it will not be crafted in a one night stand.

i hate bottoms that try to “top-test” or “bottom-break” me. hey buddy im suuuuuuuperrrrrr not interested in topping which is immediately evident on my profile. your attempt to compliment me into oblivion in order to get me to top you is not flattering. it tells me actually that you don’t care about my boundaries or desires and actually just see me as a body, a puzzle to figure out, a prize to be won through the challenge of peer pressure. don’t ask me “what it’ll take” for me to top you: i wont. furthermore “i have no limits” is such a red flag. yes you do. you either don’t know how to communicate them or you are disregarding your boundaries and preferences. don’t tell me you enjoy bdsm and then you have “absolutely 0 limits.” you have homework to do.

JAN 19 2026 -

i am a planner by nature and this seems to completely put off certain people. part of my not knowing how to communicate my sexual desires is that when i have been adventurous and courageous, i am met with something between annoyance and perturbance. my need to craft scenes and actually plan for logistics in my mind should be seen as endearing. “guy wants to have sex with you so bad he writes about it” is how i view it. and people tend to like the writing part! but when it comes down to my actualizing it, my planning is seen as neurotic and too calculated to be attractive.

example 1) almost 5 years ago. wanted outdoor/hammock sex. guy was into the fantasy. bet, i knew a spot. i was upfront it was about 1.5 miles into the woods, but the payoff was an abandoned train track/bridge covered in graffiti. we get to the park, he is immediately asking how much further, every 2-5 mins or so.. we get to the bridge, his body language is sending squicked out signals while i set up the hammock. was it just gross to him that i actually had the means to make what i typed real? that i refused to be just a fleshlight for ten minutes and had fantasies of my own? i set everything up, sucked him off, and then he told me he just wasn’t into it anymore.

example 2) i wanted to explore pony play with my most recent ex partner. i once again, planned everything, set everything up. in the end i feel all he wanted was to use the strap on me in a way that brought him pleasure but in a way that brought me discomfort. the scenes i crafted were rushed by him so that we could get to the next thing.

JAN 19 2026 -

something i would like to work on in both the vanilla and kinky aspects of my life is my fawn response in conversation. often i find myself giving a nonresponse: a laugh or giggle, maybe one to a few words. no substance beyond keeping up my end of the bargain. in the bedroom this looks like being unresponsive to dirty talk because i am typically too flustered to respond. what it boils down to regardless of scenario is, “am i going to say the right thing?” and also not knowing how to share about myself after bad relationships and friendships. being flustered at times is fine, that is certainly part of the top’s fun. being nervous in conversation is fine, your good friend certainly does not mind that you are letting them infodump. what is less fine is the somewhat demand being continually placed on them to carry and continue the conversation. at a certain point the other person will run out of things to say to you, or feel like you are not truly interested in them. conversation is a back and forth — being a good listener is appreciated but so is being a good communicator.

JAN 3 2025 -

i now understand what people mean when they say a lot of humans are open to nonhuman identity when you say just point blank “i am [species].” aside from a past partner who was a therian, i hadn’t disclosed my animal nature to anyone. turns out it is pretty easy to get people to acknowledge you as your species when you are nonchalant about it. i wonder how many more “humans” are only human because they don’t know or don’t want to know about our labels!

here’s how i have rather quickly eased someone into treating me in a species specific manner:

DEC 30 2025 -

petplay used to be so intriguing but the typical performance of petplay is in relation to being a human, humiliated by being made to act like an animal (to be abundantly clear there is nothing wrong with enjoying this).

the typical actions within petplay seem to limit me. i don’t want to fetch your slippers in my mouth or drink out of a bowl to please you. i don’t like collars or leashes — and most people don’t understand their use in a bioanimal context, or the symbolism that i apply to them. i don’t get embarrassed acting like an animal when i am one. nor do i get off on humiliation anyway. you can’t train or tame me. im a pet in the way people bring servals or bobcats into their home. i will tear your shit up and i command respect.

DEC 18 2025 -

recently got the new topping & bottoming books by easton & hardy. im still awaiting the topping book, but i have been passively reading the bottoming book. my main takeaway is that i should have read this a long time ago.

i don’t think everyone needs to be hyper intellectual about kink but i do think a lot of people would benefit from genuine education. educational websites are also fine, that is where i have gotten most of my education thus far, but there is something about the more expansive knowledge contained within an actual book, even if it was in pdf format, that is just missing from a lot of people’s worldview now. it’s not their fault, sex ed is not taught well or at all in most schools nor how to have healthy boundaries and relationships. on the topic of educational websites, they are few and far between. the internet is hard to scavenge for information now, hence the value i place on hard copies.

“it’s just sex!” i agree! sex can certainly be casual with the caveat that it is still important to advocate for your wants and boundaries, for yourself and for your partner(s). the education will help you to do that.

AUG 19 2025 -

i think i am beginning to transgress the confines of “casual kink.” by “casual kink” i am referring to the average person’s participation in kink where it is a means to have more fun sex, or as a seasoned Domme on fetlife more elaborately and accurately put it: “Pop-kink media has taught them that domination is defined by a list of kinky acts: spanking, spitting, and verbal humiliation, etc. They think the acts are the domination, when in truth, the acts are only the surface expression of the Dynamic. Thus, they often conflate “doing BDSM things” with being in a BDSM dynamic.” - racywilde, fetlife. 08/11/2025. the author also appropriately separates her Domination from her Topping, stating that she leads activities with beginners without imposing the structure of domination. she says she takes beginners on a “discovery journey” through which she can measure responses, and gauge the submissive’s limits. you cannot consent to what you do not understand, and you cannot understand without experience. i feel i am on the brink of the end of my initial “discovery journey” (of which there will be more. nobody exists in a fixed state). i am ready for intentionally crafted domination, a Dynamic with ritual and protocol. true BDSM.before that is a possibility, however, i need to discover the maximum limit to the actions i know i enjoy.